Uniquely her

A child comes into this world as his/her own little person, ready for molding. In the nature vs. nurture debate, I am completely on the fence. It's both. The way we raise our children and the experiences we provide for them definitely shapes them. But I also know that our children are born with unique personalities, quirks, and gifts.  Society also manages to get a hold of our children's young minds and plays an influential role as well. So, between our quirks (as parents), society's quirks (church, media, education), and their quirks, these children become uniquely them.

The other day I heard such a sweet story about a 4 or 5 year old girl who wanted to have an art show displaying her own original art to raise money for an orphanage in Africa. And your response right now, probably matched my immediate response, "Ahhhh.  Isn't that so sweet?

And then a moment later, I thought, "My daughter would never think of that. Why not?"

Because my daughter is uniquely Montana.  It does me no good to get down on myself for not raising her better and it does no good whatsoever comparing my daughter to another person. She may not think to give money to orphans, but I have seen her speak boldly.

Okay, okay. Maybe I am just giving her "out-loud kid" words a positive reframe, but there is an element of truth that cannot go unnoticed.

Example 1: At a playdate, her friend got "hurt" and then began to "fake" cry.  We are all familiar with that cry.  My daughter looked at her friend and asked "why are you fake crying?"

Example 2: At church the other night she and another girl were discussing the girl's upcoming 7th birthday. Montana expressed her desire to be seven. This friend was trying to comfort Montana like an older girl to a younger girl would, "Don't worry...you'll be 7 like me someday, but now you are just 4." After a bit of back and forth, Montana had enough. She basically responded with, "well, you will die before me." Yep. You read that right. Conversation stopper.

I have several more examples that I think (hope) most kids say:

that man has old skin

that woman has old hands
even though your hair is short, mom, I still love you
Etc, etc.

And you know what? Even though we need to work on tact, I am proud of Montana. I hope she continues to speak boldly but with love. She may never raise money for orphans, but she has a unique gift to offer the world that is uniquely Montana.  I love when I catch glimpses of those gifts -  even if they are a bit unrefined!

Never a dull moment

 Ughhh...I have wanted to be blogging more.  How did a month go by so quickly? Although my blog has been quiet, life certainly has not. Here are a few things we have been doing...

Mid-week Break

 Last Thursday Aaron's day changed last minute, so we took off for a family day down to Skagit County to check out the Tulips.  It was a beautiful day...for Washington!  Can I just say...Amos LOVED the mud.  We let him stomp in it and put his hands in it.  Other parents looked at us like we were crazy, but it was so entertaining watching him explore.  Good thing he has cute little boots that kept his feet dry! 

And on the way home we made our very first visit to Chuck E. Cheese! I haven't been there since I was in jr. high.  I must admit, I was pleasantly surprised. We all had a really fun time, thanks to skee ball competitions between Aaron and me. Is it bad we used most of the tokens?

This is definitely one benefit of having a husband as a pastor  -  we get to do fun things together mid-week and avoid crowds of the weekends. I love spending time with my little family. It feeds my soul.

Tiger Mom Moment

In the fall, my book club read Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua. In the book she talks about the differences between the ways that Chinese mothers and western mothers raise their children.  She believes that western mothers are too easy on their children and that Chinese mothers push their children to excellence.  Chinese mothers don't allow their children to waste time on frivolous activities such as sleep-overs, playdates, and school subjects like drama and PE. She chose the instruments (piano and violin) her daughters played and they practiced everyday, sometimes 6 hours per day, including vacations. It was a thought provoking book and worth the read.

As I read, I wondered if I am too easy on Montana.  I will never be a Chinese mother, that's definitely not my culture or my personality, but I wondered if there is some value in pushing my children a bit harder.

Well, I had my moment last week. Montana has slowly been improving on riding her bike without training wheels.  She learned how to slow down and stop, but was having a hard time starting by herself, which meant that we would follow her around and help her get on every time she got off the bike or lost her balance. Then last week, I had had enough.  It probably helped (or not!) that I was feeling a little bit irritable and stubborn. I told her she couldn't play with the neighbor until she got on the bike and started by herself 5 times.  We were quite a sight outside.  She would whine and fall off and I would bark, GET UP! TRY AGAIN!  One time she fell off the bike and a neighbor offered sympathy, and I just said YOU'RE FINE. BRUSH IT OFF. DO IT AGAIN. I watched her struggle with my arms crossed. Part of me felt so mean, but most of me was so proud of her.  Every time she got back on, it got easier for her. When she did it by herself, I would yell, NICE WORK. DO IT AGAIN. Her confidence got stronger and stronger and with it, my pride. My heart was bursting with pride, and it only took maybe 30 minutes for her to get it down.

The next day, she went for a run with me.  She rode and I ran.  Now it was her turn to push me...she would take off on her bike and then yell back, COME ON SLOW POKE. When she gets on that bike and speeds off, I am so proud and more importantly, she is so proud! I think in this case, she needed to be pushed.  I think the challenge in the next few years for me will be, when to push and when to let it go. Chua's point in her book was that when we push our kids and make them work hard, they gain true self-confidence.  They know that hard work is worth it. If we don't push them to work hard, who will?

Out and About

I love living in Washington

...one day at the beach

(despite it being windy and cold)....

The next day...

In the mountains to play in snow...

warm and sunny!

Yes, that's me with a skirt playing in the snow.
Too warm for snowpants!

This wasn't the year for Amos and sledding!
Maybe next year...

Marriage

Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam...


Aaron and I recently had the privilege of celebrating our neighbors' 10th wedding anniversary with them. They invited us, along with two other couples, to a delicious restaurant. I really felt honored by their invitation. It ended up being a wonderful, intentional time to celebrate the wonder of marriage. The marriage experience at the table ranged between 6 months and 16 years. We shared about the lessons we've learned and why marriage is worth it. The result - a pretty honest conversation about marriage. And I left feeling grateful. Feeling grateful for my marriage, but also grateful for marriage in general.

In our society marriage has gotten a pretty bad name. People see the divorce rates and want to run from marriage. Why bother with marriage, it's just going to end? And if you decide to take the plunge and get married and a rough patch comes, which is inevitable even to the strongest of marriages, your friends encourage you to pursue your own happiness and walk away.

Rarely do friends encourage us to fight for our marriages (thank you, Emily, for pointing this out). That's why I was so grateful to sit at a table with 4 couples with 4 different stories and share why marriage is worth it.

On the other hand, marriage is sometimes glorified and romanticized. "...and they lived happily ever after." They got good jobs, raised a family, had a nice home, and held hands on the porch swing when they grew old. This does nothing for the reality of marriage. Sometimes marriage is disappointing and things don't go as you expected. Your partner does things that annoy you and you find yourself saying the ugliest and meanest things to your partner. You would never say those things to a stranger, yet somehow your partner deserves it.

Either way marriage is a disillusionment: Why bother? vs. It's so perfect. Either way, you are going to end up sorely disappointed. Marriage just is. It's good, it's bad, it's ugly. But for some reason it's so worth it. Having someone who knows you...at your worst and your best...and still hangs around...wow! There is no one who will ever know you the way your partner does and that is so freeing. Journeying through life with a companion by your side...

Marriage is worth fighting for. I think it needs to be celebrated openly more often.